Negotiating sex — HIV

p(standfirst). Although many gay men who have unprotected sex believe that the guy they are fucking with is the same HIV status as them, this is rarely discussed in casual sex situations.

In most cases, beliefs about HIV status are based on assumptions about the other guy.

What I find easier about casual or anonymous sex is that I don’t have to tell them I’m positive.IVAN

Yep. It’s very easy. People don’t even ask. They just start probing with their dick and you just let them do it or vice versa. You probe and they let you do it. So, they just don’t even ask.ADAM

I don’t disclose. I simply don’t see it as necessary because I am having safe sex anyway.KEITH

TRAVEL TIP: If you’re travelling to somewhere you’ve never been before, take lots of condoms and sachets of lube with you. In some places they are difficult to find or are of a low quality.

I have had a couple of occasions present themselves when I was in Italy where there were no condoms and it was made abundantly clear that no condoms were needed or wanted. Whether they were positive or negative, I have no idea.MARCO

Some HIV positive men choose to fuck without condoms with other positive men. Sometimes this is discussed, and agreed, beforehand. However, some positive men presume that other men who are willing to fuck without a condom must also be HIV positive.

Some HIV negative men, on occasion, also choose not to use condoms with other men they believe to be HIV negative. These decisions are sometimes made after discussing HIV status. However, they are often based on assumptions eg. “He’d tell me if he is HIV positive — especially if he’s not going to use a condom”. However, this is not necessarily the case.

It’s tempting to believe that men who are willing to fuck without condoms must be the same HIV status as you. But these assumptions can be wrong. You can’t take it for granted that someone is HIV positive just because he is willing to fuck without a condom, or that someone who is HIV positive will tell you.

I don’t even know if they are positive. I never ask. I have this thing that if someone is going to engage in unsafe sex, I will stall. But if they want to, then I will have unsafe sex.JULIAN

TRAVEL TIP: If you are going somewhere new, find out about the legal status of homosexuality.

Basically he just said, you know,to put it in him. I didn’t want to say — or I was too scared to say — I can’t because I’m HIV positive. So I actually didn’t really say anything I just did it.GEORGE

Telling a casual sexual partner you are HIV positive can be a very difficult and risky thing to do. Many HIV positive men have had bad experiences where disclosing their HIV status has led to rejection by potential sexual partners.

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This article was first published in July 2001 - more than seven years ago.

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Last updated: 26 May 05.