The disclosure dilemma

Anonymous or casual sex is a significant part of the lives of many gay men. And for many with HIV it offers a convenient outlet without the usual social obligations of cooking him breakfast or meeting his mother. While having sex without disclosing your HIV status is against the law in some Australian states (see the section on The Law and HIV Transmission in The Last Word section on page 28); in practice, disclosure under these circumstances does not always happen.

Many positive men have been rejected upon disclosing to potential partners and some threatened with physical violence. That is why some men use a non-verbal form of disclosure by insisting on safe sex. Often, simply reaching for the condom at the appropriate time is enough. This method does have its pitfalls because an HIV positive gay man may assume his partner is also positive because he doesn’t insist on condoms, while a negative gay man may assume his partner is negative for the very same reason.

Some men will make assumptions about their partner’s status based on how they look. Lipodystrophy, for example, can often be recognised, but not all hollow cheeks are related to HIV. Basing sexual decisions on ho w a person looks is never a foolproof strategy.

There is no easy way to disclose your HIV-status to your sexual partners, or any guarantee they will respond positively. When it comes to relationships, however, most positive men who choose to disclose early in the relationship find that their partner is supportive. Often it makes no difference to the relationship and in some cases it even brings the couple closer together.

The dilemma is when does a casual partner become a potential relationship? In an ideal world we would all disclose and all our partners would be supportive. But in the real world…

1. Disclosing can lead to rejection which can sometimes be traumatic.
2. There’s no guarantee the person you disclose to will respect your confidentiality.
3. He may become upset or angry.

1. He may want to talk about it and you might not want to play the role of a counsellor or educator at that time.

Some HIV-negative gay men believe that it is the sole responsibility of gay men with HIV to disclose their status before having sex. There have been successful prosecutions brought against men in Australia for knowingly transmitting HIV. But there are more personal reasons for disclosing early…

1. It’s a quick way to find out if you want to get to know the person better.
2. If you think that you are eventually going to tell someone you’ve met, the longer you delay it, the harder it can become – and the more resentment you might have to deal with.
3. You might be seeking other positive partners.
4. It makes it more likely that you’ll stick to practising sex that’s safe for you and your partner.

1. If a condom breaks, you’ve at least told him first of the potential risks.

HIV is a fact of life these days, particularly gay men’s lives, and responsibilities in any sexual encounter are always shared responsibilities. So, be bold and remember it’s his problem if he can’t deal with it.

“I hate the verbal HIV-disclosure routine. A couple of times I’ve deliberately and openly taken my HIV medication in front of trade I’ve had to my place. It’s an easy way to show my HIV-status and to demonstrate I’m relaxed about it…”

“I was at the pub and we’d been chatting for a couple of hours and getting on really well. I thought ‘Here goes…’ and told him that I was HIV-positive. He went to the toilet and didn’t come back! It doesn’t encourage me to do it again.”

“Well, it’s got a lot better than it used to be. The last two times I disclosed being positive was ‘So what difference does that make if we do safe sex?’ and ‘Thanks for telling me’. It’s like gay men have dealt with it more often now. It’s also a lot more common to be asked.”

“He’d been chatting me up persistently for a while and I hadn’t really encouraged him. I wasn’t going to go home with him. Then he told me he was HIV-positive and it made rejecting him more difficult – it wasn’t because he was HIV-positive.”

“I’d been openly taking my pills in front of this guy I’d been seeing for weeks. I assumed he knew my HIV-status. When I said I was off to my HIV-doctor that afternoon it suddenly became apparent that this was not the case. He thought it was not polite to ask what the pills were for… and hadn’t even thought they might be for HIV...”

“He wanted to brush his teeth before we went to bed. I told him there was some unused (new) toothbrushes in my bathroom cabinet. He looked a bit tentative when he emerged from his teeth cleaning. I then went to clean mine – and saw in the open bath room cabinet my supplies of HIV pills…”

“I keep my HIV-pills in vitamin bottles. It avoids unplanned disclosure.”